It’s that time of year; it’s getting chilly, colds are going round and you’re not 100% sure whereabouts you put your (only) super warm coat.
Taken ill at uni? Utter panic ensuing as you realise you need your parents there to look after you? Don’t worry here’s a (fairly) independent step by step guide to feeling better:
Send highly apologetic messages to (A) Lecturers/tutors explaining absence, (B) Course mates for being unable to attend the group work meeting, (C) Team captains to excuse yourself from training and (D) Friends cancelling any imminent plans. That’s the adult part over; you now can wallow and proceed to step 2.
Commence pity party by burying yourself in your bed with ALL the blankets/ pillows and toys surrounding you, with the heating in your room turned up to max. This will allow you to raise your room to ideal napping conditions and facilitate you passing out. The key part of this stage is as you’re asleep your body temperature is raised to new highs and you sweat out any germs inhabiting within your system. You will wake up unbearably hot, thirsty and very very sweaty, but you are now prepared for stage 3.
Wonder downstairs and find your caring housemates to feel sorry for you as well. If this is not an option you can alternatively complain on any group chats you’re a member of. Spreading the feeling of complete miserableness at being ill is part of the recovery process.
Begin preparing your recovery meal. This should consist of some form of potatoes (ideally mashed) and baked beans. If these are not available to you feel free to improvise with frozen potato waffles, quorn chicken nuggets and Heinz beans. While this is all cooking in the oven make yourself hot Ribena squash. This is the non-medicinal form of calpol.
Collect your rations and retreat to the sauna you have created to watch a cheesy film of your choosing. When returning your dishes to the kitchen, make se of the opportunity to spread the miserableness to other housemates who were not present earlier. Proceed to play with your hamster to cheer yourself up before retreating once again to your nest.
AND VOILA You feel better!!!
If not repeat stages 4-6 as needed.
N.B If you still really don’t feel well after a couple of days it may be best to seek medical attention. Just maybe. Or continue to wallow in bed on the advice of an undergraduate politics student.