As I enter 2019 I’m am becoming very aware that this will be, if all things go to plan, a year of change. My summer this year to last will certainly be a contrast, but equally just as life changing, as my job at Disney World pushed me to build myself up, I hope graduation will in some ways do the same.
Now believe it or not, I’m not completely naive; there is quite a lot of time between now and July, and a heck of a lot of work to do. I can no longer put off staring at the blank page…I’ve worked too hard preparing for my dissertation to just give up now, but it’s daunting nonetheless. Although I’m not going to divulge on my exact plans, I do have a weekly word count in mind that I’m really going to try and stick to, and ultimately plod through it methodically. It would be unrealistic to say that I want to have my first draft done by the end of march but a minimum of halfway is my goal right now (and that’s my pessimistic goal, if everything goes a bit wobbly once I’m back at uni).
I’m equally taking two other modules this semester which I think will be very interesting, but definitely stretch me, particularly studying Chinese cinema which, until last year, I had absolutely not knowledge of. I know I’ll give it my best shot, but once again, the anxious perfectionist in me worries that a challenge may rock my little unstable lifeboat, in terms of worry and equally its impact on my marks.
If we’re going to real about this, I feel like I have something to prove; although I did pretty well in sixth form I did nowhere near what my GCSE scores would have suggested, and suddenly mental health became a kind of pit that I just couldn’t get out of. Now, nearly three years on I want to prove to myself and in fact everyone else that saw me as damaged, and had frankly hit my limits at age eighteen, that things are getting better and that I’m not actually defined by a brain that although intelligent, is a bit messy, forgetful, self-deprecating, procrastinating and is forever storing the wrong information.
I’m coming back to university this week, and currently it feels sort of like I’m waiting to be pushed into a shark tank, the start of my final semester, but I also know how worth it this will be. They’ll be really great days, and also crushingly low ones, however giving up now really isn’t an option: I’ve worked too long, too hard, and honestly have too much student debt to be defeated now, because I was 11 when I decided I wanted to go to university; may as well complete that goal to mark a decade of academic ambition.
To anyone who is in university or in fact any stage of education; I think the push will be worth it, and even if things don’t turn out the way you planned that shouldn’t stop you pushing forward!
Take Care Everyone, I’ll Speak to You All Soon!