It seems like it’s been forever since I’ve had any meaningful contact with the university, and I can’t even articulate why. Sure, part of the explanation can be owed to the trials and tribulations of being a distance learning student with no physical connection to the university. However, in addition to that, I think that burning the candle at both ends has finally resulted in me being burned out. Maybe I’m not a superhero after all.
It’s weird because I’m in the homestretch of my program now, and I can’t seem to find the energy or focus to get much done. Coupled with other reali life stressors, it’s an absolute recipe for disaster. Ironically, I enjoy all the reading I’ve done for my dissertation. I honestly feel like a subject matter expert these days, and, in fact, I have used quite a bit of the knowledge I’ve gained through my research to add value to both my full-time job and my consulting business. The problem is that I haven’t begun writing the dissertation in earnest, and I’m not sure when I’ll force myself to sit down and compile all of my notes into something resembling a dissertation.
I think I’m also in a bit of psycho-emotional turmoil, as it’s been a year since my father succumbed to cancer, and we had been discussing his being well enough to attend both my graduation from University of Leicester and my sister’s graduation from a local stateside university last year. Unfortunately, he died before either of us graduated. I think that somewhere in the depths of my mind, I realize that graduation would be bittersweet because of our history as regards me graduating from school. When I was graduating from high school, my both my parents were hospitalized. My mother had just had a stroke and my father was in diabetic shock, having just developed Type 2 diabetes. When I was graduating from college, my mother was too sick to attend, and my father was also quite sick, but somehow he’d made it. I quit law school for the opportunity to chase a dream to play in the NFL, so there was no graduation stress involved with that experience. I was hoping that my father would make it to Leicester for graduation (my mother died a few years before I started my studies at University of Leicester), but now that that’s no longer a possibility, I’m not even sure I want to attend, myself.
In any event, I know I need to snap out of it and get it together fast. I’m going to be up against a deadline sooner than I’m prepared for, and I’m sure the rest of the world could care less about my emotional conflicts. They only care about results, so somehow, I need to produce.