Done! Do you know that feeling? I’m sure almost everyone reading this knows what it feels like to submit an end of module essay. That somewhat ambiguous mixture of relief and anxiety. Suddenly you’re free again and it is especially the next day when you realize how much time this project actually sucked up. Every minute thinking about it, worrying, writing, reading, editing, more editing…the bummer chases you even in your dreams! Anyway, once you hit the ‘submit’ button all of that is gone, for a while at least. Feels damn good to be free, right?
But then at the same time the shortcomings begin to haunt you. That connection you should have made but didn’t see, that detail that could have been the one pushing your work over the edge. Worst of all – that concept you got totally wrong and there’s no excuse for that error! It’s all messed up!…or is it? Well, some of the sentences were exceptionally well crafted…and…yes, the whole thing doesn’t seem soooo bad.
Anyway, this kind of rollercoaster is now part of the daily routine for the next four weeks. Yes, that sucks. Even more so when you already know, as in my case, that you actually submitted quite a shitty paper. But then, I also received distinctions for essays which I’d rather would have liked to remain hidden from anyone’s sights. And I received disastrous marks for essays which I considered well done.
Well, truth is it’s never going to be good. The markers will inevitably find shortcomings, as such is their job. Furthermore, the deadline looming forces you to submit an unsatisfying work no matter what. It happens so often that as the essay develops new avenues for reasoning open up, as arguments morph, points of view thus change, and rather minor modifications at the beginning have ramifications throughout right to the conclusion. A submitted essay never looks that same as the initial draft. That’s quite an intriguing process – if everything goes right.
With my last essay this hasn’t been the case. It’s a pity. It’s frustrating. The question was about international theory and political economy. I really enjoy those subjects. But writing about these topics proved harder than expected. The question just didn’t come apart and so the whole peace never really unravelled. I basically wrote rubbish for four and a half weeks, until about five days before deadline I had some idea of where I wanted and where I could go with that. Well, I hope it’s not that bad.
In the meantime I have to think about what to do with all that won-again freedom. Uh, right, there’s that massive amount of study material I wanted to go through. So, back to where it started it is!