As I’m preparing myself for my friend’s wedding, I realise that things are about to change.
I have 10 more days before I start a new chapter of my life, the Strasbourg chapter and I am so excited and so scared that my body doesn’t even know what to do. I feel that I need more time; that I haven’t done everything I wanted to do this summer. Things like practice my French, start my dissertation research or at least map out how I’m going to do my dissertation research, meet up with friends that I have seen since sixth form.
Like a bride about to walk down the aisle, I am getting cold feet about my trip, so many doubts and second thoughts, so many what ifs. Like, what if I can’t speak French, after almost 10 years of French lessons, what if I go to France and can’t understand the basics, like introducing myself. What if I don’t make friends, I’m leaving all my wonderful and amazing friends that I’ve made in Leicester behind, what if I go there and no one wants to be my friend. What if I can’t speak English when I come back and I can’t communicate with my family anymore.
I know all this sounds irrational, but the combination of excitement and fear has caused my brain to go in overload. All I do is overthink everything, I have so much to do yet overthinking seems to occupy my life. I haven’t even started packing, I have lists to make (I live on lists), goodbyes to say, tears to shed and all I’m doing is overthinking.
The excited part of me, the side that appears once in a while when my brain shuts up, is over the edge, so many plans and adventures to have. Like going to Thailand for my birthday (I hope), going skiing in the Alps (again, these are just dreams), going to Lisbon for my friends graduation (more hopes and dreams).
I need both parts of me to keep quiet for the next 10 days until I’ve packed and made my lists, or else Strasbourg will become a very stressful and miserable year.